It is possible to feel like you are loosing yourself in a time of change. After all when you think about it, if you are going through drastic changes, doesnt it make sense that your own self would alter? And if your current self, your perceptions, beliefs and behaviours are changing, doesnt it make sense that you will discover a new version of yourself and leave behind the old one? Its like we are constantly updating our software on our phone or computer. There is a bit of the old and a lot of the new, and you have to learn how to work with it. Sometimes you like it, sometimes you dont, but it’s there to stay until the next version comes along. At least with our own lives, we control how much and how quickly we change and progress as humans through our experiences and personal development. If we choose to keep everything constant in our lives then we are not likely to see big positive changes in life. Every decision we make in life shapes us and our day to day lives. It shapes our future. From whether we snooze the alarm in the morning, whether we go for that run that we said we would do, or we meet that deadline or help that friend we promised. The smallest day to day things shape us in the most significant ways and we dont even realise.
I am going through some massive changes in my life right now. A month ago I was back home in Czech Republic visiting my uncle and friends for 2 weeks. I came back and a week later I got rid of 95% of my belongings at a car boot sale and a week after that I became ‘home free’. Now I say ‘home free’ because the thought of saying homeless scares the crap out off me, plus I always try to put a positive spin on things. I am now living off a small suitcase, a large backpack and house sitting for rent. Basically I get to take care of beautiful furry creatures while their owners are on holidays. I actually really enjoy that part. I adore animals and miss having pets, it’s fascinating being thrown into someone else’s life. Especially for someone who is sensitive off energy, you can tell a lot about people by their home because a lot of their energy is left behind. You can also tell a lot by the books they own, how their pets behave, what things and how much they own. Its fascinating and it’s an honour to be trusted to be a part of their life in that way.
“It’s such a strange feeling. Sitting on the tube. My backpack on one side. Small suitcase on the other. This is EVERYTHING I own right now. Wow” 29th March 2019
What I didnt think about was how scary this would be. How much it would throw me off. And how lonely and sad I would feel. In mid January I decided I was going to do this and now I have moved out and putting all the measures into place before my VISA and my flights are secured, let alone my finances. But I want this, and I will make it work no matter what. What I didnt realise is that unconsciously I would be so scared that I would have migranes every day (now rolling onto 3 weeks). That my head would be pounding so much I wouldnt be capable of anything most days even after the drugs to manage it. I didnt realise I would end up on anxiety medication again. I thought I was stronger than this. And although I am so proud of myself for doing this, I am also so disappointed in myself as a therapist. Despite doing work on myself I am still having these reactions, I still have these days of sorrow and sadness where I wish that for once I didnt have to be the brave one and I could just let myself cry in someones arms and let them be strong for me for a few minutes. But that is not how I was raised and I have always picked myself up again no matter how bad things have gotten. And I will do it. Again and again and again. Because I want to show EVERYONE that they can achieve anything they set their mind to. I want to show everyone that getting where we want to be is not easy, but you just have to keep climbing the hill each and every day and never stop if you want to reach the top. I want to show everyone that even on those days that you dont believe in yourself, you doubt everything and every decision and you just want to crawl away into a corner, that you can do this! I honestly believe that every single, beautiful, remarkable, unique and powerful human being on this earth is capable of achieving ANYTHING they set their mind to if they put the work and focus into it. I want to help each and every one of you to do this and I want to lead by example.
Of course those are pretty powerful emotions I am feeling there and clearly not handling it myself right now. So just like anyone who truly wants to change and grow I am reaching out for help. I am going back to my Reiki Master to do some progression and reaching out to a fellow Hypnotherapist also. There is no shame in admitting we need help along the way. Why should we suffer these feelings and stagnate our life when we dont have to? I love what I am working towards achieving and I am willing to admit that this is something I will need help processing and that it will be a long journey. Its a shame that so many off us feel like we need to fix everything ourselves. Like there is shame in accepting help, let alone reaching out for it. Let me tell you something. To realise and accept that there is something you could work on and improve takes a lot of awareness. To reach out and accept help takes a lot of courage. And to overcome it takes strenght. Even if you don’t feel like you are that person now, you can be. I believe in you, just like I hope you are rooting for me right now. A part of me is ashamed to admit as a therapist publicly that I am struggling with this, but you know what? I am only human! As much as I wish I was some mystical creature who can fly and time travel I am not. I have emotions and life experiences like everyone else, and although I have the skills to help others through theirs, it’s not always so easy to help yourself. Try to give yourself a back massage and you’ll know what I mean 😉
So here I am, terrified, alone, but I am doing it. I guess when I really thing about it I am not alone at all. That is just my perception. I have so many wonderful friends, I am part of an incredibly supportive community and have a remarkable supportive mom. But doing something people dont understand or arent doing also, and having gifts through Reiki that honestly sometimes make me question my own sanity coming from a therapy background, it messes with me sometimes. I know I have a long journey ahead of me and that is exactly why I am doing this. I want to discover what I am capable off, how many people I can help, influence and inspire and who I become along the way. So I guess this is the start of this journey for me, and I hope you join me along the way.
Now go out there and live your dreams just like I am trying to live mine.